Sleep

I miss the nights I could close my eyes and dream,

I had idyllic visions of my future and life,

What a joke now, I close my eyes and the darkness darkens,

At night I cannot fight back against my thoughts,

They ruin me, they control me,

They show me what I will never be, what I am, what I was,

They show me death, destruction and devastation,

I will not have a grave, I will not have a plaque,

No memorial or ceremony, I will slip away,

I will become one with my darkness in a place noone can find me again,

I am there now, Yet I am not dead,

I will make it to death, I will make it to my darkness,

My demons are my only lovers,

My shadows are my  only friends,

My pain is my family and my heartache is my life,

Pain runs me, Shadows own me, Suffering dictates my life,

Why live when darkness reigns supreme,

The candle went out years ago,

But I am the scorch mark it left,

I am the walking embodiment of the end of life,

Darkness, consume me,

Shadows, take me,

Death, I am yours.

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You

You bought a cleaver and you brought it down on my wrist.

You didn’t touch me, and neither did your sodding blade,

But you were acting careless, I suppose you were pissed.

Your words lashed out into my rotting brain and the story played,

It played out like they all do. It made my heart burn.

It made my eyes sting and my cheeks were soaked in salt.

That cleaver you bought, It’s what I now yearn.

You should have just cut me, saved all this mental assault.

All you did now leads me back to the river of blood,

All I did to clamber out and now I am drowning again.

Well, here I am again…

Well, here I am again… hidden away in the darkness my own mind provides.
Next door they shout and sing and believe in the joy of everything.
In here I shout and scream with the demons of my head.
I won’t ever return to where they stand and party, I am not one of them.
I am the outsider the one who disappears and no one realises goes except the one who you can’t tell if he cares or hates you.
It’s strange for when you care they don’t.
But they care when you can’t see it until it’s too late and your looking down on their immense turmoil.
Looking down on them thinking they made you do what you did.
How could they have? You know they were nothing to do with this…
But they never will, they never can, they are the blamed when the blameless see no one else.
You are to blame but you are gone- You dodged the bullet of blame and took the bullet from the gun.

I am that which I cannot be…

I am those things that make me shudder in the night,

I am the one who runs into the bloodiest fight,

I am these scars and bruises that mark me as a man,

I am not what they saw or thought when I ran.

I have become a multitude of aspects,

Aspects that make me a mess of men,

I am no longer one but thousands,

The end can never set me free as I am buried under the others,

The others will not go or die, death is no release,