Chills

Night comes and I shiver,

Another time that I’m alone again,

Green lights fill the gloom,

My heart beating drowns out the silence,

There’s a kind of hush that can’t be made,

A kind of darkness that can’t be penetrated,

It can’t change or rather won’t,

But maybe one day it will,

But who can say for certain?

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It’s been so quiet

I’ve been so quiet,

It’s been so quiet,

The wind blows but the leaves don’t rustle,

The water flows but the river doesn’t splash,

The blood pulses but the heart doesn’t beat,

The poet breathes but the pen runs dry.

There are words forming, stories growing,

But everyday they die again,

They are stuck and settled, retained and sure,

They’ll never leave, they’ve been here too long,

This is the silence breaking, the sun through the cloud once more,

Yet still that voice is fading like the moon in the noon sky.

What? WHAT?

What am I doing?

Again alone here,

Again knowing what I’ve done,

Why am I doing this?

Why do we meet?

Why do I put it off?

And delay at every fence?

It’s a rough world in transition,

It’s a painful life for all,

But for me it’s torment and torture as I push him away while I call,

I can’t decide what to do,

I want to be with someone, but I’m scared,

And that means I’m alone again.

Pounding

My head is pounding, thumping and beating,

It’s like someone is trapped within,

This is the strangest of feelings, the weirdest thing,

I can only subdue it with gin.

 

My heart is racing, pulsing, convulsing,

It’s been set on overdrive and won’t subside,

So I grope and reach and find anything for me to cling,

These feelings will never leave me, not till I’ve died.

 

My body is sweating, shivering, shaking,

It’s being beaten, it’s falling down, I am nearly 6ft in the ground,

It can’t be stopped and won’t be stopped because I am breaking,

Life is a rollercoaster and mine is coming to a stop, I am no longer safe and sound.

Inactive

I’ve been silenced, my heart and mind at war,

I’ve been fighting for something so much bigger,

I’ve not said what I want to say,

I’ll never be done.

I’ve been someone else since that fateful day,

I’ve been trying to make my life something worth living,

I’ve not written the final lines,

I’ll be done soon.

I’ve been living in a fantasy of all kinds,

I’ve been waiting for my time and it still hasn’t come,

I’ll never finish,

But I will be done.

My lifelong friend:

You’ve been there for years, 

Sometimes you leave me,

But you always come back,

You change and shapeshift,

But you’re my lifelong friend.

You never truly go away,

I doubt you ever truly will,

It’s not like I asked for you,

But I doubt you wanted me,

You’re still my lifelong friend.

Let me go, I really wish you would,

But you hold on to me with claws,

The moment I’m free,

The moment I break away, you’re back, 

You’re my only lifelong friend.

Depression: you hold my life in your hands,

Depression: you are my keeper,

Depression: you control everything I say and do,

Depression: you hate me yet won’t leave,

Depression: you are my lifelong friend.

I’m a muddle I’m sinkingĀ 

It’s not so simple, it’s not so easy,

I’m a recovering mess,

So many say how they feel see it as okay,

So many say the truth while I cannot,

I stand up taller each day,

But I get pushed back everytime,

No one understands it fully,

And no one ever truly can,

It’s funny how all that you need is that one person to care,

But when that one person doesn’t exist,

When you just crave that attention,

You’ll be alone till it’s all over,

Once you have that one,

Once you’re in that place,

Everything else will be okay,

When one thing is fixed the rest will follow.

MHAW

Mental health awareness week,

Shouldn’t it last all year,

To share our pain and progress,

To let the world know what we go through,

Some talk of the friends and family they have by their sides,

Some talk of the progress and the immense strides,

No one talks of regression,

Or falling back once more,

No one talks of the pain when there is no one to turn to,

No one talks of the hurt when you’re alone,

When the support promised isn’t there,

When the pain is perpetually there,

MHAW I love you and you matter so much,

But make this more, make it better, 

Let it touch the soul of everyone who has known and knows this pain,

Let those who won’t know and never truly will know what it is to suffer like this.

Hoping, just hoping

Perpetually I am hoping,

Hoping, just hoping,

Wishing it’ll get better soon,

Hoping I’ll be okay too.

Perpetually I am hoping,

Hoping, just hoping,

That I’ll find someone who’ll care for me,

That they’ll be there and love me.

Perpetually I am hoping,

Hoping, just hoping,
That love will be mine, with sex, passion and happiness combined,

That the perfect person will find me soon,

That this lonely life will be shared by two.

Gift of GodĀ 

You’re born with it but most won’t die with it,

There’s a time in each persons life when they give it up,

To a friend, a spouse, a stranger, a lover,

And society says it’s important,

Society will make you believe only to give it to those you love,

But society is wrong,

Give this curse away, it’s no gift, 

Once it’s gone life is bright,

You’re free from society’s shackles and expectations,

They cannot stop you now, they can only make you regret,

But how can you regret what you enjoyed so much,

You have beaten society and you will again.