I am nothing,
I am here, but my job isn’t real,
You all say I’m a part of this,
But I’ve never felt more outside of it,
I am ignored,
My voice is silent,
I am useless to you all,
I am nothing anymore,
It’s really harsh, the truth,
But just know this,
I understand what I am,
I am useless.
I thought I’d moved beyond,
To a place that let me be,
But the truth is I hadn’t left,
And it’s still destroying me.
I can’t act like the man I want,
Nor the woman I’ll never be,
Because the world hasn’t space for that,
And there’s no one else like me.
I decided I was better really,
Not knowing what better meant I had to be,
And I’m here again, not healing,
And it’s all because of me.
I tried to move on and forget,
But no one forgets what will always be,
And the romances I do have,
They’re never what’s right for me.
It’s okay if we fall and lie and trip,
In life we don’t end up at the top,
But there’s something about my life,
And it’s all about to stop.
Forget regret,
Let it die behind you,
Move forward, stand straight,
Let life change and grow,
Let your mind let go,
Nothing goes forever,
We’ll never be the same,
So live today while you’re alive,
And let love shout your name.
Night comes and I shiver,
Another time that I’m alone again,
Green lights fill the gloom,
My heart beating drowns out the silence,
There’s a kind of hush that can’t be made,
A kind of darkness that can’t be penetrated,
It can’t change or rather won’t,
But maybe one day it will,
But who can say for certain?
Night comes and I shiver,
Another time that I’m alone again,
Green lights fill the gloom,
My heart beating drowns out the silence,
There’s a kind of hush that can’t be made,
A kind of darkness that can’t be penetrated,
It can’t change or rather won’t,
But maybe one day it will,
But who can say for certain?
I’ve been so quiet,
It’s been so quiet,
The wind blows but the leaves don’t rustle,
The water flows but the river doesn’t splash,
The blood pulses but the heart doesn’t beat,
The poet breathes but the pen runs dry.
There are words forming, stories growing,
But everyday they die again,
They are stuck and settled, retained and sure,
They’ll never leave, they’ve been here too long,
This is the silence breaking, the sun through the cloud once more,
Yet still that voice is fading like the moon in the noon sky.
What am I doing?
Again alone here,
Again knowing what I’ve done,
Why am I doing this?
Why do we meet?
Why do I put it off?
And delay at every fence?
It’s a rough world in transition,
It’s a painful life for all,
But for me it’s torment and torture as I push him away while I call,
I can’t decide what to do,
I want to be with someone, but I’m scared,
And that means I’m alone again.
My head is pounding, thumping and beating,
It’s like someone is trapped within,
This is the strangest of feelings, the weirdest thing,
I can only subdue it with gin.
My heart is racing, pulsing, convulsing,
It’s been set on overdrive and won’t subside,
So I grope and reach and find anything for me to cling,
These feelings will never leave me, not till I’ve died.
My body is sweating, shivering, shaking,
It’s being beaten, it’s falling down, I am nearly 6ft in the ground,
It can’t be stopped and won’t be stopped because I am breaking,
Life is a rollercoaster and mine is coming to a stop, I am no longer safe and sound.
I’ve been silenced, my heart and mind at war,
I’ve been fighting for something so much bigger,
I’ve not said what I want to say,
I’ll never be done.
I’ve been someone else since that fateful day,
I’ve been trying to make my life something worth living,
I’ve not written the final lines,
I’ll be done soon.
I’ve been living in a fantasy of all kinds,
I’ve been waiting for my time and it still hasn’t come,
I’ll never finish,
But I will be done.
You’ve been there for years,
Sometimes you leave me,
But you always come back,
You change and shapeshift,
But you’re my lifelong friend.
You never truly go away,
I doubt you ever truly will,
It’s not like I asked for you,
But I doubt you wanted me,
You’re still my lifelong friend.
Let me go, I really wish you would,
But you hold on to me with claws,
The moment I’m free,
The moment I break away, you’re back,
You’re my only lifelong friend.
Depression: you hold my life in your hands,
Depression: you are my keeper,
Depression: you control everything I say and do,
Depression: you hate me yet won’t leave,
Depression: you are my lifelong friend.
Hedwig Robinson 